My best friend has been a whole mess of stuff lately (and is still in the midst of most of it currently). One of those things that she has had to deal with is a miscarriage. She wrote a piece about her experience and I thought that perhaps I could spread her experiences to other women who might be going through the same thing. I think that it is something that needs to be talked about more, by everyone.
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Why are we told not to say we are pregnant until 12 weeks in? Why is this a thing? Most people know that “rule” and follow it. Maybe you tell your closest family members or best friend but the reveal is always right before a bump starts showing and the first trimester is behind you.
Not only do I think this is an archaic tradition, but also detrimental and unhealthy for women and couples.
We have this rule because of the risk of miscarriage. Because in the tradition of English standard decorum we do not want to trouble our friends and family with the uncomfortable feelings of loss. We are supposed to carry that burden solemnly and privately, many times women feeling utterly alone as a man can have a hard time understanding the pain and mental anguish of a loss he never saw or connected with.
So why, when the rest of the world gets to spew every thought in their head these days with all of our social media and instant information, half of the population is supposed to keep quiet about the most exciting news that person may ever have to tell? Because they might have to announce they lost the pregnancy?
20-25%. That’s how many pregnancies end in miscarriage. 20-25%! And yet almost every time a woman experiences a miscarriage she feels alone and responsible – because no one around her has ever shared that they too went through a miscarriage. Then, behind closed doors with her close friends and family, she tells them the sad news and she start to hear about this aunt or that friend or how HER OWN MOM went through the same thing.
WHY IS THIS A THING?!
We need to be open about miscarriage. We need to not be afraid to talk about it. The more women that open up and share the more women will be able to move on and not feel so alone, responsible, and distraught. How do we do this?
We let our friends and family know the moment we find out we are pregnant.
Celebrate and let them in to the happy news right away. That way everyone can feel what 20-25% feels like. When that no longer feels like a surprising number, we will all be able to handle the sadness of loss in a healthy, open way.
I found out I was pregnant 1/12/16. I had 4 weeks of pregnancy joy. Then the ultrasound around week 8 showed no growth or heartbeat. I had what is called a blighted ovum which basically means the embryo stopped growing. On 2/23/16 I had to have what is called a D&C (Dilation & Curettage) procedure to remove everything as my body was not taking care of the miscarriage naturally. It was horrifying and very painful. So painful that the doctor had to stop the procedure and reschedule me later in the day so I could be put under anesthetically.
I am not ashamed. I know I did nothing wrong. On the contrary, I did everything they tell you to do to have a healthy pregnancy. My husband and I had been so excited to have our first child. But 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. And my pregnancy was one of them. And that is ok.
Please Share. #mymiscarriage
